Steel Magnolias
SIDE 1
ACT I
SCENE 1 The curtain rises on TRUVY's beauty salon. There are the sounds of gunshots and a dog barking. ANNELLE is spraying TRUVY's hair with more hair spray than necessary.
ANNELLE: Oops! I see a hole.
TRUVY: I was hoping you would catch that.
ANNELLE: It's a little poofier than I would normally do, but I'm nervous.
TRUVY: I'm not real concerned about that. When I go to bed I wrap my entire head with toilet tissue, so it usually gets a little smushed down anyway in that process.
ANNELLE: In my class at the trade school, I was number one when it came to frosting and streaking. I did my own.
TRUVY: Really? I wouldn't have known. And I can spot a bottle job at twenty paces. Well... your technique is good, and your form and content will improve with experience. So, you're hired.
ANNELLE: Oh, thank you, Miss Truvy!
TRUVY: No time! This morning we're going to be as busy as a one-armed paperhanger. Now, you know where the coffee stuff is. Everything else is on a tray next to the stove. (TRUVY removes her smock.)
ANNELLE: Here, let me help you. (Dusts her off) You've got tiny hairs and fuzzies all over you.
TRUVY: Honey, there's so much static electricity in here, I pick up everything except boys and money. (Points ANNELLE toward the kitchen.) Be a treasure. (ANNELLE exits into the kitchen. TRUVY immediately starts redoing her hairdo.) Annelle? This is the most successful shop in town. Wanna know why?
ANNELLE: (Offstage) Why?
TRUVY: Because I have a strict philosophy that I have stuck to for fifteen years. "There is no such thing as natural beauty." That's why I've never lost a client to the Kut and Kurl or the Beauty Box. And remember! My ladies get only the best. Do not scrimp on anything. Feel free to use as much hair spray as you want.
(ANNELLE returns with the tray. The sound of a gunshot makes her jump, but she recovers.)
Just shove that stuff to one side-it goes right there. (Pointing out the room) Manicure station here
ANNELLE: There's no such thing as natural beauty
TRUVY: Remember that, or we're all out of a job. Just look at me, Annelle. It takes some effort to look like this.
ANNELLE: I can see that. How many ladies do we have this morning?
TRUVY: I restrict myself to the ladies of the neighborhood on Saturday mornings. Normally that would be just three, but today we've got Shelby Eatenton. She's not a regular, she's the daughter of a regular. I have to do something special with her hair. She's getting married
SIDE 2
Page 10
CLAIREE: Milk.
TRUVY: Is the Karo syrup light or dark?
CLAIREE: Matter of taste.
TRUVY: Where's that other one you were telling me about... Cuppa, cuppa, cuppa?
CLAIREE: That's so easy you don't have to write it down. Cup of flour, cup of sugar, cup of fruit cocktail with the juice. Mix it up and bake at 350 till gold and bubbly.
TRUVY: Sounds awfully rich.
CLAIREE: It is. So I serve it over ice cream to cut the sweetness. Give me some paper, I'll copy them down for you.
TRUVY: (Calling) Annelle? Get Miss Clairee some paper. I believe there's some stuck on the Frigidaire under the crawfish. (to CLAIREE) Oh . . . and here's that article on Princess Di. (There are gunshots and frenzied barking.) Sometimes I wonder if Drum Eatenton's brain gets enough oxygen. That is so annoying.
CLAIREE: Try living next door to him.
(Enter SHELBY. Her hair is in rollers. She carries a picture torn out of a magazine. She is a blushing bride in the first stages of completion.)
SHELBY: Hi, everybody!
Page 11
TRUVY: There she is! There's my girl! Come break my neck. (SHELBY's fingernails are wet, so she is careful when she hugs.)
SHELBY: Truvy. It's so good to see you! Morning, Miss Clairee! It's not that I'm unfriendly, I'm just worried about my nails.
TRUVY: What a pretty color.
SHELBY: I hope this doesn't dry too dark. If it's too dark, it will never do. You know the colors are never the same on the bottle.
TRUVY: You will always find that to be true.
SHELBY: (Looking at her nails) This is drying way too dark. "Practically Pink” my foot! Truvy? Do you have any of those nail-polish remover things?
TRUVY: (handing her some) Here. Where's your mama?
SHELBY: Right behind me, I thought. (ANNELLE enters with fresh coffee.) Hi! I'm Shelby Eatenton-soon to be Latcherie.
ANNELLE: Hi. I'm Annelle. I'm new.
TRUVY: Today's Annelle's first day.
SHELBY: Well, Annelle. You're working with the best. Anyone who's anybody gets their hair done at Truvy's.
TRUVY: Absolutely. (A loud series of gunshots) Shelby uh... you know I would walk on my lips to avoid criticizing anyone, but your father is about to make us all pull our hair out. And that is bad for my business.
Page 12
SHELBY: Well, he should be finished with his yard work soon.
TRUVY: I hope so.
SHELBY: You're not the only one concerned. Mama's about to have a fit. She and Daddy are fighting like cats and dogs.
CLAIREE: They're just anxious with so much going on. SHELBY: No, they're not. They just try to create as much tension as possible in any given situation. It's a creed they live by.
TRUVY: You know, I was just reading an article in Glamour about tension during family occasions. It seems there can be a lot of stress and trauma. The thing I found most interesting is that stressful times can unleash deep dark hostilities that make your hair fall out.
SHELBY: They're fighting about patio furniture. Jackson and I will never fight about silly things. Are you married, Annelle?
ANNELLE: (Changing subject) Oh. I hope that coffee's better.
CLAIREE: It smells right.
ANNELLE: (Looking at the picture SHELBY brought) How pretty
Page 13
SHELBY: Princess Grace ..
TRUVY: Did you bring me the picture of that hairdo like I asked?
SHELBY: Here you go. Study it carefully. (Pulls out a plastic bag) Here's the baby's breath.
TRUVY: This is so exciting. I feel like I am present at the creation. There is something so wondrous about the way a bride looks. I feel it is beauty in its purest form. (Studying the picture and the bag of baby's breath) Where are you going to put this stuff? There's no baby's breath in this picture.
SHELBY: You just stick it in. It's meant to frame my face. Baby's breath is part of my whole decoration concept. For a total romantic look. (Notices CLAIREE's shoes) Miss Clairee! What cute shoes!
CLAIREE: You think so? I'm not real sure about them. I think they're a little too racy for me. I'll probably give them away.
TRUVY: Ooh. Those are too cha-cha for words. If you decide to get rid of them, I'll buy 'em from you.
CLAIREE: What size do you wear?
TRUVY: Well, in a good shoe, I wear a size six, but sevens feel so good, I buy a size eight.
CLAIREE: They're eight and a halfs.
TRUVY: Perfect.
SIDE 3
Page 20
M'LYNN: Drum and I feel that Shelby should not work anymore after she gets married.
SHELBY: I'm so anxious to discuss this topic for the nine hundredth time this week...
M'LYNN: You should not be on your feet all day. You should be kinder to your circulatory system.
SHELBY: (Changing subject) Annelle? I know you're new and all, but don't let that stop you. Anytime you have anything to say, you just let 'er rip.
ANNELLE: I don't have anything to say.
TRUVY: Well, M'Lynn. It looks like you're ready to roll. I think we can trust Annelle to roll you up, don't you? Do you think you can roll up Mrs. Eatenton, Annelle?
ANNELLE: I don't know. Today is very special. And my work tends to be too poofy when I'm nervous. Does your dress have to go over your head?
SHELBY: You can't screw up her hair. You just tease it and make it look like a blond football helmet.
M'LYNN: I must have missed the passage in Emily Post that said all abuse must be heaped on the mother of the bride. Go ahead, Annelle. I'm sure you'll do a beautiful job. It doesn't matter what I look like anyway.
TRUVY: Hush girls. Shelby. Tell me things about the wedding. How many bridesmaids?
SHELBY: Nine.
Page 21
TRUVY: Good Lord!
SHELBY: Exactly.
TRUVY: I hope that photographer brings a wide-angle lens.
SHELBY: I think it's embarrassing and awful. But Mama made me have my cousins, and Margi St. Maurice.
M'LYNN: Shelby. There was no way around it and you know it.
SHELBY: It will be pretentious. Daddy always says, “An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure.”
M'LYNN: The poet laureate of Dogwood Lane..
SHELBY: Mama. I wish you would get off Daddy's back. He gets enough hassle from Miss Ouiser.
TRUVY: (The peacemaker) What are your colors, Shelby?
SHELBY: Blush and bashful.
M'LYNN: Her colors are pink and pink.
SHELBY: Blush and bashful.
M'LYNN: I ask you. How precious is this wedding going to get?
SHELBY: My colors are blush and bashful. I have chosen two shades of pink. One is much deeper than the other.
M'LYNN: The bridesmaids' dresses are beautiful ...
Page 22
SHELBY: And the ceremony will be too. All the walls are banked with sprays of flowers in the two shades of blush and bashful. There's a pink carpet specially laid for the service. And pink silk bunting draped over anything that would stand still.
M'LYNN: That sanctuary looks like it's been hosed down with Pepto-Bismol.
SHELBY: I like pink.
M'LYNN: I tried to talk her into using peaches and cream. That would be so lovely this time of year. All the azaleas in our yard are peach-colored. Peach is so flattering to every skin tone.
SHELBY: No way. Pink is my signature color. TRUVY: What color is your dress, M'Lynn?
M'LYNN: Peach and cream.
TRUVY: Clairee?
CLAIREE: Beige lace to the knee.
TRUVY: I am wearing a sexy blue chiffon, Shelby. Jackson's gonna take one look at me and leave you behind in the dust.
SHELBY: Mama's dress is gorgeous. It cost more than my wedding dress.
M'LYNN: It did not. It was on sale.
SIDE 4
Page 37
TRUVY: Lord. Give us strength.
(The door bursts open. It's QUISER, very upset.)
OUISER: This is it. I've found it. I am in hell.
TRUVY: Morning, Ouiser.
OUISER: Don't try to get on my good side. I no longer have one.
TRUVY: You're a little early. You're not expected till elevenish.
OUISER: That's precisely why I'm here. I have to cancel. (The phone rings. OUISER picks it up and hangs up on the caller.) I have to take my poor dog to the vet before he has a nervous breakdown. My dog I mean. The vet is perfectly healthy. (To ANNELLE) You must be the new girl.
ANNELLE: Hi.
OUISER: May I have a glass of water? I have been screaming this morning. (Exit ANNELLE)
M'LYNN: I'm sorry this whole thing has gotten out of hand, Quiser.
OUISER: It's not your fault, M'Lynn. I used to think that you were crazy for marrying that man. Then I thought for a few years that you were just a glutton for punishment. Now I realize that you must be on some mission from God. I have not slept in days. I look like a dog's dinner. However, when I got up this morning, I decided I would try to rise above it. I would start anew.
Page 38
Whatever that man has done, I would overlook it in honor of your wedding day, Shelby. I thought I would make myself a little presentable and floss up the house in case somebody wanted to drop in-it being a big day in the neighborhood and all. So I go out to cut some fresh flowers for the living room. I go down to my magnolia tree and there is not a bloom on it!
M’LYNN: Ouiser. The judge has not decided whose tree that is exactly.
OUISER: It's mine! (ANNELLE enters with glass of water) Be that as it may it would not be too much to ask for me to have one blossom to brighten my home. I am all alone except for my dog.
CLAIREE: You need something in your life besides that dumb animal...
QUISER: Put a lid on it, Clairee. I was standing there looking at my-my naked magnolia tree when I saw Drum across the way loading what appeared to be a cannon. I asked him what happened to all those magnolia blossoms. He said the wind probably blew them off during the night. Then I asked him how the wind managed to blow them all off into your pool. Then he fired at me! Is that rude or what?
M'LYNN: They're blanks. And Drum would never aim a gun at a lady.
OUISER: He's a real gentleman. I'll bet he takes the dishes out of the sink before he pees in it.
M'LYNN: That's uncalled for.
SIDE 5
Page 46
SHELBY: (pointing to a pair of tacky earrings) What are those things?
M'LYNN: Red plastic poinsettia earrings. They are a gift from Annelle. She has discovered the wonderful world of Arts and Crafts.
SHELBY: Are Tommy and Jonathan home yet?
M'LYNN: Yes. Jonathan got home yesterday morning. He loves his classes. It's all he can talk about. I think the main thing architecture school has taught him is how much he should hate his parents' house. Tommy arrived last night and immediately started terrorizing your father. It's nice having the family home for Christmas.
SHELBY: Some things never change.
M'LYNN: And how are you, honey?
SHELBY: I'm so good, Mama. Just great.
M'LYNN: You're looking well. Is Jackson at the house?
SHELBY: No. You know how twitchy he gets. I sent him to look for stocking stuffers.
M'LYNN: Good thinking.
SHELBY: Uh. Jackson and I have something to tell you. We wanted to tell you when you and Daddy were together, but you're never together, so it's every man for himself. I'm pregnant.
M'LYNN: Shelby?!
Page 47
SHELBY: I'm going to have a baby.
M'LYNN: I realize that.
SHELBY: Well... is that it? Is that all you're going to say?
M'LYNN: I... what do you expect me to say?
SHELBY: Something along the lines of congratulations.
M'LYNN: Congratulations.
SHELBY: Would it be too much to ask for a little excitement? Not too much, I wouldn't want you to break a sweat or anything.
M'LYNN: I'm in a state of shock! I didn't think . . .
SHELBY: In June. Oh, Mama. You have to help me plan. We're going to get a new house. Jackson and I are going house hunting next week. Jackson loves to hunt for any- thing.
M'LYNN: What does Jackson say about this?
SHELBY: Oh, he's very excited. He says he doesn't care whether it's a boy or girl-but I know he really wants a son so bad he can taste it. He's so cute about the whole thing. It's all he can talk about-Jackson Latcherie Junior.
M'LYNN: But does he ever listen? I mean when doctors and specialists give you advice. I know you never listen, but does he? I guess since he doesn't have to carry the baby, it doesn't really concern him.
Page 48
SHELBY: Mama. Don't be mad. I couldn't bear it if you were. It's Christmas.
M'LYNN: I'm not mad, Shelby. This is just ... hard. I thought that . . . I don't know.
SHELBY: Mama. I want a child.
M'LYNN: But what about the adoption proceedings? You have filed so many applications.
SHELBY: Mama, it didn't take us long to see the handwriting on the wall. No judge is going to give a baby to someone with my medical track record. Jackson even put out some feelers about buying one.
M'LYNN: People do it all the time.
SHELBY: Listen to me. I want a child of my own. I think it would help things a lot.
M'LYNN: I see.
SHELBY: Mama, I know. I know. Don't think I haven't thought this through. You can't live a life if all you do is worry. And you worry too much. In some ways it's a comfort to me. I never worry because I know you're worrying enough for the both of us. Jackson and I have given this a lot of thought.
M'LYNN: Has he really? There's a first time for everything.
SHELBY: Don't start on Jackson.
SIDE 6
Page 52
TRUVY: I know your mother is so happy you could get in early enough to make the festival. I hear it's going to be the best ever. More fireworks, a nativity made entirely of sparklers, and a huge new sign on the riverbank that says, "I Heart Chinquapin Parish." It's going to be spectacular. And guess who the grand marshal of the parade is? Wayne Newton!
SHELBY: I wouldn't miss a Christmas festival for the world. (TRUVY and ANNELLE begin decorating. SHELBY gets M'LYNN's attention from under the dryer.) Oh, Mama. While I'm thinking. I brought some white chocolate cherry cheesecakes for our open house.
M'LYNN: That doesn't sound like finger food to me. SHELBY: They're bite-sized. Like this.
M'LYNN: Fine. I'm sure you know best.
TRUVY: (Seeking ANNELLE's approval on decoration placement) Annelle?
ANNELLE: Perfect.
SHELBY: And, Mama? I've been cleaning out closets. . getting rid of stuff. I've brought you some things I don't want that I've hardly worn. I thought maybe your patients might be less disturbed if they had something stylish to wear.
TRUVY: (Wondering where to put some decorations) Annelle?
ANNELLE: The chair. (To SHELBY) Uh. Excuse me. Shelby? Uh. If you don't have any special plans for the clothes could I have them? Riverview Baptist has a clothes closet for the poor. We're real low on women's dresses.
Page 53
SHELBY: Sure. That's a wonderful idea. They're in the car. I'll get 'em in a minute.
TRUVY: It broke my heart that she wouldn't come to the Methodist church with me. I think Riverview Baptist is a little too "Praise the Lord" for my taste.
ANNELLE: (With an edge) Some of them do get a little carried away. But there's nothing wrong with that.
SHELBY: No. A lot of Mama's mental patients are bornagain Christians. I mean that only in the best sense of the word.
TRUVY: We're just glad to see that Annelle is settling down and finding her way. She's had a few rough months, haven't you, honey?
ANNELLE: Oh. After they finally threw Bunkie Dupuy behind bars and I was rid of him, I went wild. I was drinking, running around, smoking...
TRUVY: Jezebel!
ANNELLE: But Truvy helped me see the error of my ways. I've realized I have something to offer. I joined a church last month. Truvy's helped me see I have talents. I've done guest lectures on beauty at the trade school . . .
TRUVY: Our little Annelle has become one of the hottest tickets in town.
Page 54
ANNELLE: (Modestly) Well . . . yeah. I am enjoying the city more. And I am so excited about the Christmas festival today. I've wanted to come to it all my life. And now I live here!
TRUVY: Tell her who you have a date with. ANNELLE: Truvy, will you hush?
TRUVY: Tell her, missy. Shelby is pretty much totally responsible for this.
ANNELLE: Sammy DeSoto.
TRUVY: He has a body that doesn't stop anywhere.
SHELBY: How am I responsible?
ANNELLE: He was bartending at your wedding reception last spring. That's when I met him. He makes a mean cherry Coke.
TRUVY: Romance. This is what I live for.
TRUVY: Can we do anything for you today, Shelby?
SHELBY: I'm beyond help. Last week I discovered the early stages of crow's feet.
TRUVY: Oh, honey. Time marches on. And eventually you realize it's marching across your face. How are you feeling?
SHELBY: Never better.
(CLAIREE enters. She has on a Devil's cap. She is hoarse.)
SIDE 7
Page 106
She would look on it as just one of life's occurrences. We ... and should deal with it the best way we know how... get on with it. That's what my mind says. I wish somebody would explain that to my heart.
TRUVY: Tommy said you didn't leave her side.
M'LYNN: Well. I wasn't in the mood to play bridge. (Beat) No, I couldn't leave my Shelby. It's interesting. Both the boys were very difficult births. I almost died when Jonathan was born. Very difficult births. Shelby was a breeze. I could've gone home that afternoon I had her. I was thinking about that as I sat next to Shelby while she was in the coma. I would work her legs and arms to keep the circulation going. I told the ICU nurse we were doing our Jane Fonda. I stayed there. I kept on pushing just like I always have where Shelby was concerned-hoping she'd sit up and argue with me. But finally we all realized there was no hope. At that point I panicked. I was very afraid that I would not survive the next few minutes while they turned off the machines. Drum couldn't take it. He left. Jackson couldn't take it. He left. It struck me as amusing. Men are supposed to be made of steel or something. But I could not leave. I just sat there . . . holding Shelby's hand while the sounds got softer and the beeps got farther apart until all was quiet. There was no noise, no tremble . . . just peace. I realized as a woman how lucky I was. I was there when this wonderful person drifted into my world and I was there when she drifted out. It was the most precious moment of my life thus far.
TRUVY: (putting the finishing flourishes on M'LYNN's hair) Well, I don't know how your insides are doing. But your hair is holding up beautifully. All it needs is a lick and a promise. Did you have it done in Shreveport?
Page 107
M'LYNN: No, I did it myself.
TRUVY: Hold it, missy. I don't want to hear that kind of talk.
M'LYNN: Doing my own hair was so odd. I had no idea about the back
TRUVY: You did a lovely job. I just smoothed out the rough spots. In fact, I'm going to be looking for temporary help when Annelle goes on maternity leave . . . Interested?
M'LYNN: (struggling for control) It was just with so much going on, I didn't know if I would have time. would feel like coming here. But this morning I wanted to come here more than anything. Isn't that silly?
TRUVY: No.
M'LYNN: Last night I went into Shelby's closet for something... and guess what I found. All our Christmas presents stacked up, wrapped. With her own two hands ... I'd better go.
TRUVY: (handing M'LYNN a mirror) Check the back.
M'LYNN: Perfect . . . as always. (M'LYNN continues to gaze into the mirror.) You know . . . Shelby Shelby was right. It . . . it does kind of look like a blond football helmet. (M'LYNN starts to break.) Poor Shelby (M'LYNN disintegrates.)
TRUVY: Honey, sit right back down. Can I get you something? Do you feel all right?
Page 108
M'LYNN: Yes. Yes. I feel fine. I feel great. I could jog to Texas and back, but my daughter can't. She never could. I am so mad I don't know what to do. I want to know why. I want to know why Shelby's life is over. How is that baby ever going to understand how wonderful his mother was? Will he ever understand what she went through for him? I don't understand. Lord, I wish I could. It is not supposed to happen this way. I'm supposed to go first. I've always been ready to go first. I can't stand this. I just want to hit somebody until they feel as bad as I do. I . . . just want to hit something and hit it hard.
(Everyone is unable to react, overcome with emotion. Eventually, CLAIREE has an idea. She pulls OUISER next to M'LYNN and braces QUISER as if OUISER were a blocking dummy.)
CLAIREE: Here. Hit this! Go ahead, M’Lynn. Slap her!
OUISER: (dumbfounded) Are you crazy?
CLAIREE: Hit her!
OUISER: Are you high?
TRUVY: Clairee! Have you lost your mind?
CLAIREE: We can sell T-shirts saying "I Slapped Ouiser Boudreaux!" Hit her!
OUISER: Truvy! Dial 911!
CLAIREE: Don't let her beauty stand in the way. Hit her!
ANNELLE: Miss Clairee. Enough!
SIDE 1
ACT I
SCENE 1 The curtain rises on TRUVY's beauty salon. There are the sounds of gunshots and a dog barking. ANNELLE is spraying TRUVY's hair with more hair spray than necessary.
ANNELLE: Oops! I see a hole.
TRUVY: I was hoping you would catch that.
ANNELLE: It's a little poofier than I would normally do, but I'm nervous.
TRUVY: I'm not real concerned about that. When I go to bed I wrap my entire head with toilet tissue, so it usually gets a little smushed down anyway in that process.
ANNELLE: In my class at the trade school, I was number one when it came to frosting and streaking. I did my own.
TRUVY: Really? I wouldn't have known. And I can spot a bottle job at twenty paces. Well... your technique is good, and your form and content will improve with experience. So, you're hired.
ANNELLE: Oh, thank you, Miss Truvy!
TRUVY: No time! This morning we're going to be as busy as a one-armed paperhanger. Now, you know where the coffee stuff is. Everything else is on a tray next to the stove. (TRUVY removes her smock.)
ANNELLE: Here, let me help you. (Dusts her off) You've got tiny hairs and fuzzies all over you.
TRUVY: Honey, there's so much static electricity in here, I pick up everything except boys and money. (Points ANNELLE toward the kitchen.) Be a treasure. (ANNELLE exits into the kitchen. TRUVY immediately starts redoing her hairdo.) Annelle? This is the most successful shop in town. Wanna know why?
ANNELLE: (Offstage) Why?
TRUVY: Because I have a strict philosophy that I have stuck to for fifteen years. "There is no such thing as natural beauty." That's why I've never lost a client to the Kut and Kurl or the Beauty Box. And remember! My ladies get only the best. Do not scrimp on anything. Feel free to use as much hair spray as you want.
(ANNELLE returns with the tray. The sound of a gunshot makes her jump, but she recovers.)
Just shove that stuff to one side-it goes right there. (Pointing out the room) Manicure station here
ANNELLE: There's no such thing as natural beauty
TRUVY: Remember that, or we're all out of a job. Just look at me, Annelle. It takes some effort to look like this.
ANNELLE: I can see that. How many ladies do we have this morning?
TRUVY: I restrict myself to the ladies of the neighborhood on Saturday mornings. Normally that would be just three, but today we've got Shelby Eatenton. She's not a regular, she's the daughter of a regular. I have to do something special with her hair. She's getting married
SIDE 2
Page 10
CLAIREE: Milk.
TRUVY: Is the Karo syrup light or dark?
CLAIREE: Matter of taste.
TRUVY: Where's that other one you were telling me about... Cuppa, cuppa, cuppa?
CLAIREE: That's so easy you don't have to write it down. Cup of flour, cup of sugar, cup of fruit cocktail with the juice. Mix it up and bake at 350 till gold and bubbly.
TRUVY: Sounds awfully rich.
CLAIREE: It is. So I serve it over ice cream to cut the sweetness. Give me some paper, I'll copy them down for you.
TRUVY: (Calling) Annelle? Get Miss Clairee some paper. I believe there's some stuck on the Frigidaire under the crawfish. (to CLAIREE) Oh . . . and here's that article on Princess Di. (There are gunshots and frenzied barking.) Sometimes I wonder if Drum Eatenton's brain gets enough oxygen. That is so annoying.
CLAIREE: Try living next door to him.
(Enter SHELBY. Her hair is in rollers. She carries a picture torn out of a magazine. She is a blushing bride in the first stages of completion.)
SHELBY: Hi, everybody!
Page 11
TRUVY: There she is! There's my girl! Come break my neck. (SHELBY's fingernails are wet, so she is careful when she hugs.)
SHELBY: Truvy. It's so good to see you! Morning, Miss Clairee! It's not that I'm unfriendly, I'm just worried about my nails.
TRUVY: What a pretty color.
SHELBY: I hope this doesn't dry too dark. If it's too dark, it will never do. You know the colors are never the same on the bottle.
TRUVY: You will always find that to be true.
SHELBY: (Looking at her nails) This is drying way too dark. "Practically Pink” my foot! Truvy? Do you have any of those nail-polish remover things?
TRUVY: (handing her some) Here. Where's your mama?
SHELBY: Right behind me, I thought. (ANNELLE enters with fresh coffee.) Hi! I'm Shelby Eatenton-soon to be Latcherie.
ANNELLE: Hi. I'm Annelle. I'm new.
TRUVY: Today's Annelle's first day.
SHELBY: Well, Annelle. You're working with the best. Anyone who's anybody gets their hair done at Truvy's.
TRUVY: Absolutely. (A loud series of gunshots) Shelby uh... you know I would walk on my lips to avoid criticizing anyone, but your father is about to make us all pull our hair out. And that is bad for my business.
Page 12
SHELBY: Well, he should be finished with his yard work soon.
TRUVY: I hope so.
SHELBY: You're not the only one concerned. Mama's about to have a fit. She and Daddy are fighting like cats and dogs.
CLAIREE: They're just anxious with so much going on. SHELBY: No, they're not. They just try to create as much tension as possible in any given situation. It's a creed they live by.
TRUVY: You know, I was just reading an article in Glamour about tension during family occasions. It seems there can be a lot of stress and trauma. The thing I found most interesting is that stressful times can unleash deep dark hostilities that make your hair fall out.
SHELBY: They're fighting about patio furniture. Jackson and I will never fight about silly things. Are you married, Annelle?
ANNELLE: (Changing subject) Oh. I hope that coffee's better.
CLAIREE: It smells right.
ANNELLE: (Looking at the picture SHELBY brought) How pretty
Page 13
SHELBY: Princess Grace ..
TRUVY: Did you bring me the picture of that hairdo like I asked?
SHELBY: Here you go. Study it carefully. (Pulls out a plastic bag) Here's the baby's breath.
TRUVY: This is so exciting. I feel like I am present at the creation. There is something so wondrous about the way a bride looks. I feel it is beauty in its purest form. (Studying the picture and the bag of baby's breath) Where are you going to put this stuff? There's no baby's breath in this picture.
SHELBY: You just stick it in. It's meant to frame my face. Baby's breath is part of my whole decoration concept. For a total romantic look. (Notices CLAIREE's shoes) Miss Clairee! What cute shoes!
CLAIREE: You think so? I'm not real sure about them. I think they're a little too racy for me. I'll probably give them away.
TRUVY: Ooh. Those are too cha-cha for words. If you decide to get rid of them, I'll buy 'em from you.
CLAIREE: What size do you wear?
TRUVY: Well, in a good shoe, I wear a size six, but sevens feel so good, I buy a size eight.
CLAIREE: They're eight and a halfs.
TRUVY: Perfect.
SIDE 3
Page 20
M'LYNN: Drum and I feel that Shelby should not work anymore after she gets married.
SHELBY: I'm so anxious to discuss this topic for the nine hundredth time this week...
M'LYNN: You should not be on your feet all day. You should be kinder to your circulatory system.
SHELBY: (Changing subject) Annelle? I know you're new and all, but don't let that stop you. Anytime you have anything to say, you just let 'er rip.
ANNELLE: I don't have anything to say.
TRUVY: Well, M'Lynn. It looks like you're ready to roll. I think we can trust Annelle to roll you up, don't you? Do you think you can roll up Mrs. Eatenton, Annelle?
ANNELLE: I don't know. Today is very special. And my work tends to be too poofy when I'm nervous. Does your dress have to go over your head?
SHELBY: You can't screw up her hair. You just tease it and make it look like a blond football helmet.
M'LYNN: I must have missed the passage in Emily Post that said all abuse must be heaped on the mother of the bride. Go ahead, Annelle. I'm sure you'll do a beautiful job. It doesn't matter what I look like anyway.
TRUVY: Hush girls. Shelby. Tell me things about the wedding. How many bridesmaids?
SHELBY: Nine.
Page 21
TRUVY: Good Lord!
SHELBY: Exactly.
TRUVY: I hope that photographer brings a wide-angle lens.
SHELBY: I think it's embarrassing and awful. But Mama made me have my cousins, and Margi St. Maurice.
M'LYNN: Shelby. There was no way around it and you know it.
SHELBY: It will be pretentious. Daddy always says, “An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure.”
M'LYNN: The poet laureate of Dogwood Lane..
SHELBY: Mama. I wish you would get off Daddy's back. He gets enough hassle from Miss Ouiser.
TRUVY: (The peacemaker) What are your colors, Shelby?
SHELBY: Blush and bashful.
M'LYNN: Her colors are pink and pink.
SHELBY: Blush and bashful.
M'LYNN: I ask you. How precious is this wedding going to get?
SHELBY: My colors are blush and bashful. I have chosen two shades of pink. One is much deeper than the other.
M'LYNN: The bridesmaids' dresses are beautiful ...
Page 22
SHELBY: And the ceremony will be too. All the walls are banked with sprays of flowers in the two shades of blush and bashful. There's a pink carpet specially laid for the service. And pink silk bunting draped over anything that would stand still.
M'LYNN: That sanctuary looks like it's been hosed down with Pepto-Bismol.
SHELBY: I like pink.
M'LYNN: I tried to talk her into using peaches and cream. That would be so lovely this time of year. All the azaleas in our yard are peach-colored. Peach is so flattering to every skin tone.
SHELBY: No way. Pink is my signature color. TRUVY: What color is your dress, M'Lynn?
M'LYNN: Peach and cream.
TRUVY: Clairee?
CLAIREE: Beige lace to the knee.
TRUVY: I am wearing a sexy blue chiffon, Shelby. Jackson's gonna take one look at me and leave you behind in the dust.
SHELBY: Mama's dress is gorgeous. It cost more than my wedding dress.
M'LYNN: It did not. It was on sale.
SIDE 4
Page 37
TRUVY: Lord. Give us strength.
(The door bursts open. It's QUISER, very upset.)
OUISER: This is it. I've found it. I am in hell.
TRUVY: Morning, Ouiser.
OUISER: Don't try to get on my good side. I no longer have one.
TRUVY: You're a little early. You're not expected till elevenish.
OUISER: That's precisely why I'm here. I have to cancel. (The phone rings. OUISER picks it up and hangs up on the caller.) I have to take my poor dog to the vet before he has a nervous breakdown. My dog I mean. The vet is perfectly healthy. (To ANNELLE) You must be the new girl.
ANNELLE: Hi.
OUISER: May I have a glass of water? I have been screaming this morning. (Exit ANNELLE)
M'LYNN: I'm sorry this whole thing has gotten out of hand, Quiser.
OUISER: It's not your fault, M'Lynn. I used to think that you were crazy for marrying that man. Then I thought for a few years that you were just a glutton for punishment. Now I realize that you must be on some mission from God. I have not slept in days. I look like a dog's dinner. However, when I got up this morning, I decided I would try to rise above it. I would start anew.
Page 38
Whatever that man has done, I would overlook it in honor of your wedding day, Shelby. I thought I would make myself a little presentable and floss up the house in case somebody wanted to drop in-it being a big day in the neighborhood and all. So I go out to cut some fresh flowers for the living room. I go down to my magnolia tree and there is not a bloom on it!
M’LYNN: Ouiser. The judge has not decided whose tree that is exactly.
OUISER: It's mine! (ANNELLE enters with glass of water) Be that as it may it would not be too much to ask for me to have one blossom to brighten my home. I am all alone except for my dog.
CLAIREE: You need something in your life besides that dumb animal...
QUISER: Put a lid on it, Clairee. I was standing there looking at my-my naked magnolia tree when I saw Drum across the way loading what appeared to be a cannon. I asked him what happened to all those magnolia blossoms. He said the wind probably blew them off during the night. Then I asked him how the wind managed to blow them all off into your pool. Then he fired at me! Is that rude or what?
M'LYNN: They're blanks. And Drum would never aim a gun at a lady.
OUISER: He's a real gentleman. I'll bet he takes the dishes out of the sink before he pees in it.
M'LYNN: That's uncalled for.
SIDE 5
Page 46
SHELBY: (pointing to a pair of tacky earrings) What are those things?
M'LYNN: Red plastic poinsettia earrings. They are a gift from Annelle. She has discovered the wonderful world of Arts and Crafts.
SHELBY: Are Tommy and Jonathan home yet?
M'LYNN: Yes. Jonathan got home yesterday morning. He loves his classes. It's all he can talk about. I think the main thing architecture school has taught him is how much he should hate his parents' house. Tommy arrived last night and immediately started terrorizing your father. It's nice having the family home for Christmas.
SHELBY: Some things never change.
M'LYNN: And how are you, honey?
SHELBY: I'm so good, Mama. Just great.
M'LYNN: You're looking well. Is Jackson at the house?
SHELBY: No. You know how twitchy he gets. I sent him to look for stocking stuffers.
M'LYNN: Good thinking.
SHELBY: Uh. Jackson and I have something to tell you. We wanted to tell you when you and Daddy were together, but you're never together, so it's every man for himself. I'm pregnant.
M'LYNN: Shelby?!
Page 47
SHELBY: I'm going to have a baby.
M'LYNN: I realize that.
SHELBY: Well... is that it? Is that all you're going to say?
M'LYNN: I... what do you expect me to say?
SHELBY: Something along the lines of congratulations.
M'LYNN: Congratulations.
SHELBY: Would it be too much to ask for a little excitement? Not too much, I wouldn't want you to break a sweat or anything.
M'LYNN: I'm in a state of shock! I didn't think . . .
SHELBY: In June. Oh, Mama. You have to help me plan. We're going to get a new house. Jackson and I are going house hunting next week. Jackson loves to hunt for any- thing.
M'LYNN: What does Jackson say about this?
SHELBY: Oh, he's very excited. He says he doesn't care whether it's a boy or girl-but I know he really wants a son so bad he can taste it. He's so cute about the whole thing. It's all he can talk about-Jackson Latcherie Junior.
M'LYNN: But does he ever listen? I mean when doctors and specialists give you advice. I know you never listen, but does he? I guess since he doesn't have to carry the baby, it doesn't really concern him.
Page 48
SHELBY: Mama. Don't be mad. I couldn't bear it if you were. It's Christmas.
M'LYNN: I'm not mad, Shelby. This is just ... hard. I thought that . . . I don't know.
SHELBY: Mama. I want a child.
M'LYNN: But what about the adoption proceedings? You have filed so many applications.
SHELBY: Mama, it didn't take us long to see the handwriting on the wall. No judge is going to give a baby to someone with my medical track record. Jackson even put out some feelers about buying one.
M'LYNN: People do it all the time.
SHELBY: Listen to me. I want a child of my own. I think it would help things a lot.
M'LYNN: I see.
SHELBY: Mama, I know. I know. Don't think I haven't thought this through. You can't live a life if all you do is worry. And you worry too much. In some ways it's a comfort to me. I never worry because I know you're worrying enough for the both of us. Jackson and I have given this a lot of thought.
M'LYNN: Has he really? There's a first time for everything.
SHELBY: Don't start on Jackson.
SIDE 6
Page 52
TRUVY: I know your mother is so happy you could get in early enough to make the festival. I hear it's going to be the best ever. More fireworks, a nativity made entirely of sparklers, and a huge new sign on the riverbank that says, "I Heart Chinquapin Parish." It's going to be spectacular. And guess who the grand marshal of the parade is? Wayne Newton!
SHELBY: I wouldn't miss a Christmas festival for the world. (TRUVY and ANNELLE begin decorating. SHELBY gets M'LYNN's attention from under the dryer.) Oh, Mama. While I'm thinking. I brought some white chocolate cherry cheesecakes for our open house.
M'LYNN: That doesn't sound like finger food to me. SHELBY: They're bite-sized. Like this.
M'LYNN: Fine. I'm sure you know best.
TRUVY: (Seeking ANNELLE's approval on decoration placement) Annelle?
ANNELLE: Perfect.
SHELBY: And, Mama? I've been cleaning out closets. . getting rid of stuff. I've brought you some things I don't want that I've hardly worn. I thought maybe your patients might be less disturbed if they had something stylish to wear.
TRUVY: (Wondering where to put some decorations) Annelle?
ANNELLE: The chair. (To SHELBY) Uh. Excuse me. Shelby? Uh. If you don't have any special plans for the clothes could I have them? Riverview Baptist has a clothes closet for the poor. We're real low on women's dresses.
Page 53
SHELBY: Sure. That's a wonderful idea. They're in the car. I'll get 'em in a minute.
TRUVY: It broke my heart that she wouldn't come to the Methodist church with me. I think Riverview Baptist is a little too "Praise the Lord" for my taste.
ANNELLE: (With an edge) Some of them do get a little carried away. But there's nothing wrong with that.
SHELBY: No. A lot of Mama's mental patients are bornagain Christians. I mean that only in the best sense of the word.
TRUVY: We're just glad to see that Annelle is settling down and finding her way. She's had a few rough months, haven't you, honey?
ANNELLE: Oh. After they finally threw Bunkie Dupuy behind bars and I was rid of him, I went wild. I was drinking, running around, smoking...
TRUVY: Jezebel!
ANNELLE: But Truvy helped me see the error of my ways. I've realized I have something to offer. I joined a church last month. Truvy's helped me see I have talents. I've done guest lectures on beauty at the trade school . . .
TRUVY: Our little Annelle has become one of the hottest tickets in town.
Page 54
ANNELLE: (Modestly) Well . . . yeah. I am enjoying the city more. And I am so excited about the Christmas festival today. I've wanted to come to it all my life. And now I live here!
TRUVY: Tell her who you have a date with. ANNELLE: Truvy, will you hush?
TRUVY: Tell her, missy. Shelby is pretty much totally responsible for this.
ANNELLE: Sammy DeSoto.
TRUVY: He has a body that doesn't stop anywhere.
SHELBY: How am I responsible?
ANNELLE: He was bartending at your wedding reception last spring. That's when I met him. He makes a mean cherry Coke.
TRUVY: Romance. This is what I live for.
TRUVY: Can we do anything for you today, Shelby?
SHELBY: I'm beyond help. Last week I discovered the early stages of crow's feet.
TRUVY: Oh, honey. Time marches on. And eventually you realize it's marching across your face. How are you feeling?
SHELBY: Never better.
(CLAIREE enters. She has on a Devil's cap. She is hoarse.)
SIDE 7
Page 106
She would look on it as just one of life's occurrences. We ... and should deal with it the best way we know how... get on with it. That's what my mind says. I wish somebody would explain that to my heart.
TRUVY: Tommy said you didn't leave her side.
M'LYNN: Well. I wasn't in the mood to play bridge. (Beat) No, I couldn't leave my Shelby. It's interesting. Both the boys were very difficult births. I almost died when Jonathan was born. Very difficult births. Shelby was a breeze. I could've gone home that afternoon I had her. I was thinking about that as I sat next to Shelby while she was in the coma. I would work her legs and arms to keep the circulation going. I told the ICU nurse we were doing our Jane Fonda. I stayed there. I kept on pushing just like I always have where Shelby was concerned-hoping she'd sit up and argue with me. But finally we all realized there was no hope. At that point I panicked. I was very afraid that I would not survive the next few minutes while they turned off the machines. Drum couldn't take it. He left. Jackson couldn't take it. He left. It struck me as amusing. Men are supposed to be made of steel or something. But I could not leave. I just sat there . . . holding Shelby's hand while the sounds got softer and the beeps got farther apart until all was quiet. There was no noise, no tremble . . . just peace. I realized as a woman how lucky I was. I was there when this wonderful person drifted into my world and I was there when she drifted out. It was the most precious moment of my life thus far.
TRUVY: (putting the finishing flourishes on M'LYNN's hair) Well, I don't know how your insides are doing. But your hair is holding up beautifully. All it needs is a lick and a promise. Did you have it done in Shreveport?
Page 107
M'LYNN: No, I did it myself.
TRUVY: Hold it, missy. I don't want to hear that kind of talk.
M'LYNN: Doing my own hair was so odd. I had no idea about the back
TRUVY: You did a lovely job. I just smoothed out the rough spots. In fact, I'm going to be looking for temporary help when Annelle goes on maternity leave . . . Interested?
M'LYNN: (struggling for control) It was just with so much going on, I didn't know if I would have time. would feel like coming here. But this morning I wanted to come here more than anything. Isn't that silly?
TRUVY: No.
M'LYNN: Last night I went into Shelby's closet for something... and guess what I found. All our Christmas presents stacked up, wrapped. With her own two hands ... I'd better go.
TRUVY: (handing M'LYNN a mirror) Check the back.
M'LYNN: Perfect . . . as always. (M'LYNN continues to gaze into the mirror.) You know . . . Shelby Shelby was right. It . . . it does kind of look like a blond football helmet. (M'LYNN starts to break.) Poor Shelby (M'LYNN disintegrates.)
TRUVY: Honey, sit right back down. Can I get you something? Do you feel all right?
Page 108
M'LYNN: Yes. Yes. I feel fine. I feel great. I could jog to Texas and back, but my daughter can't. She never could. I am so mad I don't know what to do. I want to know why. I want to know why Shelby's life is over. How is that baby ever going to understand how wonderful his mother was? Will he ever understand what she went through for him? I don't understand. Lord, I wish I could. It is not supposed to happen this way. I'm supposed to go first. I've always been ready to go first. I can't stand this. I just want to hit somebody until they feel as bad as I do. I . . . just want to hit something and hit it hard.
(Everyone is unable to react, overcome with emotion. Eventually, CLAIREE has an idea. She pulls OUISER next to M'LYNN and braces QUISER as if OUISER were a blocking dummy.)
CLAIREE: Here. Hit this! Go ahead, M’Lynn. Slap her!
OUISER: (dumbfounded) Are you crazy?
CLAIREE: Hit her!
OUISER: Are you high?
TRUVY: Clairee! Have you lost your mind?
CLAIREE: We can sell T-shirts saying "I Slapped Ouiser Boudreaux!" Hit her!
OUISER: Truvy! Dial 911!
CLAIREE: Don't let her beauty stand in the way. Hit her!
ANNELLE: Miss Clairee. Enough!
